Two Georgia counties, Cobb County and Gwinnett County, are quite possibly the worst places to send your children to be brainwashed into believing the government is great.  Or is that the best?  It’s hard to tell.  Not too long ago, Cobb County pulled two acts of stupidity out of their ass within the same year.  First, they had “disclaimer stickers” inserted in all science textbooks, indicating that the theory of evolution was just a “theory.”  A lot of parents became outraged, claiming that said stickers secretly promoted religion, and a judge had ordered the stickers be removed.  Second, an elementary school in the city of Smyrna, which is in Cobb County, banned all peanut-based foods.  You cannot send your child to this school with a lunchbox stocked with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a packet of peanut butter crackers, and a couple of Reese’s peanut butter cups.  It might cause other children who are allergic to peanuts to break out, since they would be exposed to it.  Please.  In most cases the only time a food allergy occurs is if the allergic comes in direct contact with the food, such as touching it or eating it.  Simply being around it should cause no problems.

Now on to Gwinnett County.  Recently, a principal at an elementary school came under fire for making a student take a shock pen, and shock himself a few times.  The article states the pen emits low current shocks.  Probably no worse than the shock you received when you accidentally touched the electric fence at your grandparents’ farm.  Nothing worse.  The parents of the boy, the parents of some of the other children, and the school board are all acting like she made the child stick his finger in a receptacle outlet or gave him the Abu Ghraib treatment.

It seems that newspapers and other news agencies no longer care about getting the whole story.  Neither do the head managers of the government indoctrination centers.  The parents of the child being punished think he’s the victim.  I think it’s another case of pitying and rewarding the bully.  More than likely, he played the prank on one too many students, or else shocked one too many students, he got in trouble for it, expected to serve detention for a few days, and instead is made to shock himself.  Perhaps he’ll have a future career as a member of the Opus Dei.

Teh sun wuz shinnin on teh C,
Shinnin wit awl hims myt:
Him can did hims veree bestest 2 mayk
Teh billos smoof n bryt–
N dis wuz odd, cos it b
Teh middl ov teh nitey-nites.

Teh moon wuz shinnin sulkily,
Cos her thot teh sun
Had got no bidnes 2 b dere
After teh dai wuz dun–
“Tis veree rood ov hims,” her sed,
“2 com n spoyl teh fun!”

Teh C wuz wet as wet culd b,
Teh catsands wer drai as drai.
U culd nawt c a cloud, cos
No cloud wuz in teh sky:
No birdz wuz flyin ovrhed–
Dere wuz no birdz 2 fly.

Teh Lolrus n teh Karpintur
Wuz walkin clos at han;
Dey mounrzd lyk n-e-ting 2 c
Such quant…kwant…maneez catsand:
“If dis wuz onlee skoopd awai,”
Dey sed, “it wood b grand!”

“If 7 maids can has 7 skoopz
Skoopt it 4 haf a yeer.
Does u spose,” teh Lolrus sed,
“Dat dey culd get it cleer?”
“Ai dowt it,” sed teh Karpintur,
N hims cryeded a bitter tear.

“O Oysturs, come n walk wit us!”
Teh Lolrus did b’seech.
“A plesnt walkies, a plesnt tawlk,
Alowng teh brinee beech:
We can has no maor den 4?,
We can gibs hand 2 eech?”

Teh oldy Oystur lukd at him,
But nevr a wurd him sed:
Teh oldy Oystur winkd hims I,
N shuk hims hevee hed–
Meening 2 sai leeve the oystur bed – DO NOT WANT!

But 4 baybee Oysturs hurryd up,
Awl eagr 4 teh treetz:
Thems cotes wuz brushd, thems faces washd,
Dere shoos wuz cleen n neet–
N dis wuz odd, cos, u noes,
Dem has no feets.

4 ovver Oysturs fawlod dem,
N yet anudder 4;
N thick n fast dey caym at last,
N more, n more, n more–
Awl hoppin thru teh frothee wayvs,
N scramblin 2 teh shor.

Teh Lolrus n teh Karpintur
Can has walkies 4 a myl or so,
N den dey restd awn a rawk
Conven..Konveen…veree ez n lo:
N awl teh lil Oysturs stood
N waytd n a row.

“Teh tym has come,” teh Lolrus sed,
“2 tawlk ov manee tings:
Ov shoos–n ships–n Ceilingcat-wax–
Ov cabbijus–n kings–
And why teh C is boiling hot–
N whevver pigs can has weengs.”

“But wayt a bit,” teh Oysturs cryd,
“B4 we can has our chat;
4 sum ov us is owt ov breth,
N awl ov us is teh fat!”
“No hurry!” sed teh Karpintur.
Dey kthxbai him much 4 dat.

“We can has bred?,” teh Lolrus sed,
“dat’s wut we cheeflee needs:
Pepr n vinagur besydz
B very gud indeed–
Nao if ur redee, Oysturs deer,
We can begin 2 nom-nom-nom.”

“But nawt on us!” teh Oysturs cryded,
Turnin a lil bloo.
“Aftr such kindness, dat wuld b
A dismal ting 2 do!”
“Teh nyte is fyn,” teh Lolrus sed.
“Do u admyr teh vyoo?

“It wuz so kynd ov u 2 come!
N u is veree nys!”
Teh Karpintur sed nuthin but
“I can has anover slys?
I wish u were nawt kwyt so def–
I’ve had 2 aks u twice!”

“It b a shaym,” teh Lolrus sed,
“2 plai dem such a trik,
Aftr we’ve brot dem owt so far,
N maded dem trot so qwik!”
Teh Hoomin sed nuffin but
“Teh butterz spred 2 thik!”

“I weep 4 u,” teh Lolrus sed:
“I deeplee symp…simp…unnerstenz.”
Wit sobs n teers him sortd owt
Dose ov teh larjist syz,
Holdin hims tishoo
B4 hims streemin eyez.

“O Oysturs,” sed teh Karpintur,
“U did has a pleasunt run!
Shal we b trottin hoam agin?’
But ansur caym dere none–
N dis wuz scarsly odd, cos
Dey’d nom-nom-nom-nommed ebbry1

Ai iz Him as U iz Him as U iz Meh
N We b awl togevver
C hao dey run lyk piggehs frum a gun
C hao dey flai
Ai b teh sad
Sittin awn a cormflayk
Waytin 4 teh van to come
Korporayshun TeeShurt
Stoopy Bludee Toozdai
Hoomin, u bin a nawtee boi
U let ur fays growed lawng
Ai iz teh Bukket
Dey are teh Eggmen
Ai iz teh Lolrus
GOO GOO GA JOOB

Mr. Sitee Pleechoomin
Sittin pretee lil Pleechoomins n a row
C hao dey fly
Lyk Lucy n teh sky
C hao dey run
Ai b teh sad
Ai b teh sad
Ai b teh sad
Ai b teh sad
Yello mattur custrd
Drippin frum a ded goggie’s I L
krabalokkur fishwyf
Pornagrafik Preestiss
Boi, u bin a nawtee gurl
U let ur nikkers daon
Ai iz teh Bukket
Dey are teh Eggmen
Ai iz teh Lolrus
GOO GOO GA JOOB

Sittin n a engerland gardin
Waytin 4 teh sun
If teh sun no come
U can has a tan frum
Standin in teh engerland rayn
Ai iz teh Bukket
Dey are teh Eggmen
Ai iz teh Lolrus
GOO GOO GA JOOB

Expurt Texpurt
Chokin smokurs
Dont u fink teh Jokur
LOL’s at U?
Ho-Ho-Ho-Hee-Hee-Hee-Ha-Ha-HA!
C hao dey smyl
Lyk piggehs n a sty
C hao dey snyd
Ai b Teh sad
Simoleena Pilchurd
Clymbin up teh Eiff-Aiff…big poyntee tower n France
Elementree Pengwin
Singin Haree Krishna
Hoomin u shoulda seed dem
Kikin Edgur Allen Po
Ai iz teh Bukket
Dey are teh Eggmen
Ai iz teh Lolrus
GOO GOO GA JOOB

(Oompah, oompah stik it n ur jumper!
Ebberywun can has one, ebberywun can has one!)

Wil u walk a lil fastr
Sed teh Wytin 2 teh Snayl
Deres a Porpus rite bhynd us
N hims tredn awn mah tayl

C hao eegrlee teh Lolbstrs
N teh Turtlols awl advans
Dey b sitin awn teh sheengl
Wil u com n joyn teh dans?

Wil u wont u
Wil u wont u
joyn teh dans?

Wil u wont u
Wil u wont u
joyn teh dans?

C hao eegrlee teh Lolbstrs
N teh Turtlols awl advans
Dey is sitin awn teh sheengl
Wil u com n joyn teh dans?

Wil u wont u
Wil u wont u
joyn teh dans?

Wil u wont u
Wil u wont u
joyn teh dans?

I’ve a bit of a quandry.  Should I go to my 10-year high school reunion or not?  A lot of people are saying I should.  Here’s my case, as to why I shall not:

Exhibit A for the Court and Jury:  I was the one always picked on.  My fellow classmates liked to pick on me because of my weight, my clothes, my tastes, everything.  The teachers nor the faculty did nothing to stop it.  There have been some very painful points, including one incident that involved an apple at lunchtime in the “Senior Courtyard”, a little patch of concrete and dry grass in the middle of the school.  Another incident involved damp sponges, stools with the covers on the cushions coming off, and Mechanical Drawing class with a teacher that paid little or no attention to what was going on.  Yet another incident takes place in the same class, and masking tape was involved.  Other incidents have occurred in P.E., Introduction to Technology, Mass Media Technology (that one involved a cigarette lighter and the hairs on my arm…it took about three months for them to grow back!), among many other classes.  No one has fessed up to any of these incidents, nor to this day has made any attempts to apologize.

I now present Exhibit B:  There will be two get-togethers for the reunion.  The first one takes place on the opposite side of the state from where I live.  This will involve driving through rush-hour traffic in Atlanta, on a Friday evening.  In other words, driving through Hell.  The second event will take place on a Saturday night, in Atlanta.  Still in Hell.  The entire weekend will be a weekend in Hell for anyone brave enough to attend.

Now I leave it up to you, judge and jury.  You decide.  Should I attend this reunion, or should I not?

UPDATE:  I did not attend the reunion afterall.  No, it wasn’t because I didn’t want to meet up with everyone who made fun of me.  It was mainly because I took a short nap to rest up for the evening (so I don’t fall asleep on the drive home), and ended up waking up way too late to leave.  I had planned to leave at 5:30 PM, which would have given me more than enough time (Mapquest said an hour, I usually add 30 minutes for room for error, and traffic) to get to the reunion.  I woke up at 6:15 PM.  I figured it’d be too late by then, so to heck with it.  Probably wouldn’t miss much anyway.

Awn teh fur-awai ai-lan ov Sala-ma-Sond,
Yitteh teh Kitteh wuz keeng ov teh pawnd.
A nys lil pawnd. ait wuz kleen. ait wuz neet.
Teh waturz wuz warmly. Dere wuz plentee 2 nom.
Teh Kittehs can has ebbryfing Kittehs maht can has.
N dey wuz awl happee. Kwyt happee ndeed.
Dey wuz… ‘til Yitteh, teh keeng ov dem awl,
Dsydeded teh keengdum him rulzorzed wuz 2 smawl.
“I’s roolr”, sed Yitteh, “ov awl dat ai c.
But ai no c enough. Dat’s teh trubbl wif meh.
Wif dis ston 4 a throne, ai luk daon awn mah pawnd
But ai no can luk daon awn tHim playsis beeyawnd.
Dis throne dat ai sit awn b 2, 2 low daon.
It awt 2 b hyur!” him sed wif a fraon.
“If ai culd sit hi, hao much gr8ur ai b!
Wut a keeng! Ai b roolr ov awl dat ai c!”
N Yitteh, teh Kitteh Keeng, gib a komand.
Him ordrd 9 Kittehs 2 swim 2 hims stone
N, usin dese Kittehs, him bildeded a noo throne.
Him maded eech Kitteh stand awn anuvver wun’s bak
N him pyuhld dem awl up n a 9-Kitteh stak.
N den Yitteh klymd up. him sat daon awn the pyuhl.
Wut a wunnerful vyoo! him culd c ‘most a myl!
“Awl mine!” Yitteh cryded. “Oh, teh fings ai nao rool!
I’s teh keeng ov a cow! N ai’s teh keeng ov a mule!
I’s teh keeng ov a howse! N, wut’s moar, beeyawnd dat
I’s teh keeng ov a blooberee bush N a goggie!
I’s Yitteh teh Kitteh! Oh, marvulus meh!
4 ai b teh roolr ov awl dat ai c!”
N awl thru teh mornin, him sat up dere hi
Meowing ova N ova, “A gr8 keeng b ai!”
‘til ‘lawng abowt noon. Den him hurd a faynt sigh.
“Wut’s dat?” snapt teh keeng, N him luked daon teh stak.
N him saw, at teh botum, a Kitteh namd Mack.
Just a part ov hims throne. N dis pln lil Kitteh
Luked up N him sed, “Beg ur pardon, Keeng Yitteh.
Ai has payns n mah bak N mah sholdrs N nees.
Hao lawng must we stand heer, Ur Majistee, plzkthxbai?”
“SILENCE!” teh Keeng ov teh Kittehs hissd bak.
“I’s keeng, N ur onlee a Kitteh namd Mack.”
“U stay n ur playc wyl ai sit heer N rool.
I’s teh keeng ov a cow! N ai’s teh keeng ov a mule!
I’s teh keeng ov a howse! N a bush! N a goggie!
But dat nawt b awl. Ai’ll do betr den dat!
Mah throne shal b hyur!” hims royul voyc thundered,
“So pyuhl up moar Kittehs! ai can has ’bout 200?”
“Kittehs! Moar Kittehs!” him bellod N brayd.
N teh Kittehs ‘way daon n teh pawnd wuz afrayd.
Dey trembld. Dey shuk. But dey caym. Dey obeyd.
Frum awl ova teh pawnd, dey caym swimn bai duzns.
Hol famblees ov Kittehs, wif unkls N cuzns.
N awl ov dem stepd awn the hed ov poor Mack.
1 aftr anuvver, dey klymd up teh stak.
Den Yitteh teh Kitteh wuz purchd up so hi,
Him culd c 40 myls frum hims throne n teh sky!
“Hooray!” shaotd Yitteh. “I’s teh keeng ov teh trees!
I’s keeng ov teh birds! N ai’s keeng ov teh b’s!
I’s keeng ov teh butrflyz! Keeng ov teh air!
Ah, meh! Wut a throne! Wut a wunnerful chayr!
I’s Yitteh teh Kitteh! Oh, marvulus meh!
4 ai b teh roolr ov awl dat ai c!”
Den agin, frum below, n teh gr8 hevvee stak,
Caym a gron frum dat playn lil Kitteh namd Mack.
“Ur Majistee, plzkthxbai… ai no like 2 complayn,
But daon heer beelo, we is feelin gr8 payn.
I noes, up awn top u r cing gr8 syts,
But daon heer at teh botum we, 2, shud has ryts.
We Kittehs can’t stand it. Ar bonz wil awl crack!
Besydz, we can has foodz? We r the starvin!” grond Mack.
“U hush up ur mouf!” haoled teh mytee Keeng Yitteh.
“U’ve no ryt 2 talk 2 teh wurlds hyest Kitteh.
Ai rool frum teh clowds! Ova land! Ova C!
Dere’s nuffin, no, NUFFIN, dat’s hyur den meh!”
But, wyl him wuz shoutin, him saw wif surpryz
Dat teh moon ov teh ebbenin wuz startin 2 ryz
Up ova hims hed n teh darkenin skyz.
“Wut’s DAT?” snortd Yitteh. “Say, wut b dat fing
Dat dares 2 b hyur den Yitteh teh Keeng?
Ai shal not allao it! Ai’ll go hyur still!
Ai’ll build mah throne hyur! ai can N ai will!
Ai’ll cawl sum moar Kittehs. Ai’ll stak ‘em 2 heven!
Ai can has ’bout five thowzund, six hunnert N sebben!”
But, as Yitteh, teh Kitteh Keeng, liftd hims paw
N startd 2 ordr N giv teh comand,
Dat playn lil Kitteh b-lo n teh stak,
Dat playn lil Kitteh hooz naym wuz just Mack,
Dsydeded him’d takn enuff. N him can has.
N dat playn lil lad got a bit mad.
N dat playn lil Mack did a playn lil fing.
Him burpeded!
N hims burp shuk teh throne ov teh keeng!
N Yitteh teh Kitteh, teh keeng ov teh trees,
Teh keeng ov teh air N teh birds N teh bees,
Teh keeng ov a howse N a cow N a mule…
Well, dat wuz teh end ov teh Kitteh Keeng’s rool!
4 Yitteh, teh Keeng ov awl Sala-ma-Sond,
Fell off hims hy throne N fell Plunk! n teh pawnd!
N todai teh gr8 Yitteh, dat Marvulus him,
Is Keeng ov teh Mud. Dat ais awl him can c.
N teh Kittehs, ov course… awl teh Kittehs b free
As Kittehs N, maybe, awl kreechurz shuld be.

Teh moarul ov teh storee:  Kitteh stakin muchly betr n kyootr den turtlol stakin.

Has u seen teh littl kittehs
Crawln n teh durt?
N 4 all teh littl kittehs
Life iz getin wurs
Dey can has teh durt 2 play aroun n?

Has u seen teh bigr kittehs
N ther starchd wite shurts?
U wil find teh bigr kittehs
Stirin up teh dirt
Dey can has teh cleen shurts 2 play aroun n?

N their boxes wit all their littr
Dey dont care wat goez on aroun
N their lives dey alwayz purrgle
Dey can has dam gud snorgle?

Evrywere dere’s lots o’ kittehs
Livin kitteh lives
U can see dem owt for din-din
Wit dere kitteh wivez
Dey no needz forkz or knivez to nom dere
cheezburgerz

What inspired me to write the song parody was the roundabout on the car mat.

N Kitteh Layn dere b a barburs fotos…let him sho u dem
Ov ebbry hed he can has teh pleshur 2 noes.
N awl teh hoomins dat come n goes
Stop n sai o hai.

Awn teh kornur b a bayncur wif a moturcar,
Teh lil kittehs lol at him behynd hims bak.
N teh bayncur nebber warez a mac
N teh porin rayn, very straynj.

Kitteh Layn b n mah eers n n mah I’z.
Dere beeneef teh bloo supurrbun skyz
Ai sit, n meenwyl bak

N Kitteh Layn dere b a fyrhoomin wif an owrglas
N n hims pokkit b a pikchur of teh Queen.
Him lyks 2 keep hims fyr enjun kleen,
It b a kleen masheen.

Kitteh Layn b n mah eers n n mah I’z.
A 4 ov fish n feengur pyz
N summr, meenwyl bak

Bhynd teh sheltr n teh middle ov teh rown…roun…cirklee fing
Teh prettee noors b sellin popeez frum a trai
N tho her feelz as if her in a plai
Her is newayz.

In Kitteh Layn teh barbur shayvz anuvver customr,
Wii c teh bayncur sittin waytin 4 a trim.
N den teh fyrhoomin rushes n
Frum teh pouring rayn, very straynj.

Kitteh Layn b n mah eers n n mah I’z.
Dere beeneef teh bloo supurrbun skyz
Ai sit, n meenwyl bak
Kitteh Layn b n mah eers n n mah I’z.
Dere beeneef teh bloo supurrbun skyz,
Kitteh Layn.

There are two songs I could do here. The first one I came up with is a parody of “Happiness is…” from the musical “You’re A Good Man Charlie Brown”:

Happynez iz fyndeeng a pensul.
piiza wif sawsuj
tellin teh tym.
Happynez iz lurnin 2 wissul.
tyeeng ur shoo 4 teh veree furstee tym.

Happynez iz plaieeng teh drum n ur own skool band.
N Happynez iz walkin han n han.
Happynez iz 2 kinds ov ais creem.
noesing a sekrit.
klymin a trii.
Happynez iz 5 difrunt cra-onz.
getting a fyrfli.
setin him frii.

Happynez iz bein aloan ebbry nao n den.
N Happynez iz comin hoam agin.
Happynez iz moarnin n eebnin,
dai tym n nyte tyme 2.
4 Happynez iz neone n nefing at awl
dat’s lurved bai u.

Happynez iz hasing a sistr.
shayrin a cheezburgr.
gettin alawng.
Happynez iz seengin togevvur wen dai is froo,
N Happynez iz doze hoo seeng wif u.
Happynez iz moarnin n eebnin,
dai tym n nyte tyme 2.
4 Happynez iz neone n nefing at awl
dat’s lurved bai u.

The next one, which a lot of cheezfrendz seem to believe the picture is a reference to, is the Beatles’ song “Happiness Is A Warm Gun”:

Her nawt a gurl hoo misses much
Do do do do do do
oh, yeh
Her well akwayntud wif
teh tuch ov teh velvet paw
Lyk a lizurd awn a windo payn
Teh hoomin n teh crowd wif teh
multycolord mirrur awn hims hobnayl boots
Lyin wif hims aiz wyl hims
hands r bizzee wurkin ovrtym
A soap mpreshun ov hims wyf wich
him nom-nom-nommed n donaytd 2 teh Nashunul Trust

Ai can haz fix coz ai goin daon?
Daon 2 teh bits dat ai left uptaon
Ai can haz fix coz ai goin daon?
Mommy Soopurreeur jump teh butt
Mommy Soopurreeur jump teh butt
Mommy Soopurreeur jump teh butt
Mommy Soopurreeur jump teh butt
Mommy Soopurreeur jump teh butt
Mommy Soopurreeur jump teh butt

Happynez iz a warm butt
(scratch, scratch, purr, purr)
Happynez iz a warm butt mama
(scratch, scratch, purr, purr)
Wen ai snorgle u n mah arms
n ai feel mai feengur awn ur butt
Ai noes nobodee can do meh no harm
Becoz Happynez iz a warm butt mama
Happynez iz a warm butt, yes it is
Happynez iz a warm, yes it is, butt
Ah, don’t you know that
Happynez iz a warm butt mama