Archive for January, 2008

Worst. Pain. EVER.

January 24, 2008

I’m a bit late posting this.  Yesterday morning about 3:30 AM I woke up with the most excruciating pain.  Yes, friends, I had a charley/charlie horse.

 What causes the torture in the calf muscles?  According to WedMD, it can be due to:

  • Too much exercise or overuse of muscles (not highly likely for me)
  • Standing on hard surfaces (concrete, pavement) for long periods of time, or sitting for a long time (the latter of which is highly likely)
  • Putting your legs in an awkward position while you sleep (no comment…make up your own dirty jokes)
  • Lack of potassium, calcium, or other minerals in your blood (highly possible)
  • Dehydration (which is surprising, since I drink a lot of tea every day)
  • Certain meds like antipsychotics, steroids, diuretics, or statins (drugs are bad, m’kay?)
  • Flat Feet (My feet aren’t flat!  They’re just blig bloned!)
  • Thyroid disease

I’ve had the cramps in the past, but far and few between have they happened.  The most recent one (yesterday morning) was probably the worst one ever.  It’s suggested that you walk around and jiggle your leg a bit.  The last thing anyone wants to do to a hurt leg is use it.  It’s also suggested to stretch the calf muscle.  If you’re sitting down, stretch out your leg and flex your foot towards your knee.  You might want to place a towel under the ball of your foot, and pull both ends of the towel towards you, while keeping your knee straight.  If standing, stand a couple of feet from a wall, and lean towards the wall.  Keep the hurt leg straight, with the heel flat on the floor, and bend the other knee.

The cure sounds even worse than the pain itself.  Just give me a couple of Advil or Tylenol and call it good.

On the dehydration thing…it is possible to be dehydrated while you still drink a lot of fluids.  Sodas, sweetened tea or coffee, fruit juices made from concentrate, etc. all contain sugars and/or caffeine, which can cause dehydration.  Alcohol can also cause dehydration.  Why do you think whenever you drink a glass of tea or soda with your dinner, you always have to have more?  It’s not because it tastes good.  You’re getting dehydrated.

This morning I bought a small bottle (13.5 oz.) of Simply Orange brand orange juice.  My leg was still cramping a bit this morning, but after drinking the juice, it no longer cramps.  That’s because it’s real liquid that won’t dehydrate, and it’s a good source of potassium, which helps strengthen muscles.  If you limit your caffeine or alcohol intake, drink plenty of water, and consume foods rich in potassium, calcium, and magnesium, you can lessen your leg cramps.


Is it too early?

January 23, 2008

Is it too early to be making sick jokes about someone’s death?

I’m sure you’ve heard the news by now that actor Heath Ledger, whose most memorable role was that of Ennis Del Mar in the 2005 smash hit “Brokeback Mountain,”  died yesterday of a possible drug overdose.

Possible my ass.

According to a police spokesman, “pills were found within the vicinity of the bed”. Later, they reported that the pills were prescription meds, including sleeping pills. According to earlier reports, the pills were “strewn about,” but this is not true.

I still say he probably wished he knew how to quit the pills.

I don’t think he was sick of pills. It’s too early in Winter to be sick of pills.

I wonder if he was sick of acting. It’s too early to be sick of acting.

OK, OK…I’ll work clean from now on. He will be missed. What gets me is that he was my age.  My heart goes out to his family and friends who will miss him greatly.

Fedelitee Fidoosheearee Baync

January 22, 2008

Inspired by the “Banker Cat” picture from I Can Has Cheezburger, here is my remake of “Fidelity Fiduciary Bank” from the Walt Disney movie and musical, “Mary Poppins”:


Fidlstix Kitteh! Yooz ur tupins 2 feed teh lolbirdz n wat do u has? Fat lolbirdz! Waytaminit…


Eef u nvest ur tupins
Wyzlee n teh baync
Sayf n sownd
Soon dat tupins,
Sayflee nvested n teh baync,
Will compowndz

N jool acheeve dat sins ov conkwest
As ur affluins expandz
N teh pawz ov teh dyrektrs
Hoo nvest as propryetee demandz

U see, Hoomin, u’ll be part of
Bukkets 4 lolruses
karots 4 lolhamsterz
loadz n loadz ov cheezburgerz
sockses 4 teh goggies
Spyholz 4 teh ceilingcat 2 look thru

Aw frum tupins, proodntlee
Frootfulee, frooglee nvestd
N teh, 2 b spesifik,
N teh Dawz, Tomz
Mouselee, Grubz
Feedelitee Fidoosheearee Baync!

Nao, Hoomin,
Wen u deposit tupins n a baync akownt
Soon jool c
Dat it bloomz n2 credit ov a ginerus amownt
N u’ll acheev dat sens ov stachur
As ur nflooens expandz
To teh hi fynanchul strata
Dat establisheded credit nao commandz

U can has firstee n sekund trust deedz
Fink ov teh 4closhurz!
Bondz! Chattelz! Divdendz! Shayrz!
Bayncrupceez! Debtor saylz!

Al manr ov pryvut ntrpryz!
Shipyardz! Teh merkantyl!
Collierez! Tannereez!
Ncorporashunz! Amalgamashunz! Bayncs!

Wyl stand teh bayncs ov Ingerland
Ingerland standz
Wen fal teh bayncs ov Ingerland
Ingerland fallz

U see, Hoomin
Al 4 teh lak ov
Tupins, pashentlee, cawshuslee trustenglee nvestd
N teh, 2 b spesifik,
N teh Dawz, Tomz
Mouselee, Grubz
Feedelitee Fidoosheearee Baync!

S-A-T – Teh Cheezburgr Sekshun

January 21, 2008

The other day the popular website I Can Has Cheezburger posted the following image:

 SAT Question

In response, I have come up with the following questions which may or may not appear on a future revision of the SATs.  Please read the questions carefully, use only a #2 pencil to fill in the corresponding bubble sheet.  Please fill in the bubbles correctly and completely or the answer will not count.  Do not begin the test until I tell you to begin.  You will have 30 minutes to complete this section.  When you reach the -STOP- symbol at the end of the test please stop. When you have finished, you will close your test packet, turn your answer sheet over, and put your head down. You may scroll down to the first question and begin the test now.

Q1. Kitteh:Cheezburgr::Goggie:___________

A. Hamburgr
B. Hotdog
C. Zalad
D. Chikin Sammich

Q2. Lolrus:Bukkit::Goggie:___________

A. Sockses
B. Butterz
C. Cellular
D. Staplr

Teh nekst foo kweschuns relayt 2 teh fawloeen storee.

Ai is a lolrus. Ai losted mah bukkit abowt a yeer ago. Sum stoopy hoomins tuk mah bukkit. To comp…kompin…maded up 4 it dey gives meh a cellular. Dey den tuk mah cellular. Ai wuz teh sad. Ai den joynded a bukkit loss support groop. Ai has maded manee frends froo teh groop. Ai has been informd bai mah associates as to hoo tuk mah bukkit, n y dey tuk mah bukkit. Ai was awlso tolded dat mah bukkit b n Soviet Russia n dat it misses meh.

Q3. Hoo b tellin teh storee?

A. Kitteh
B. Goggie
C. Lolrus
D. Ceilingcat

Q4. Wut b teh nayratrs pryzd poseshun?

A. Cellular
B. Sockses
C. Cheezburgr
D. Bukkit

Q5. N wut locayshun wuz teh nayratrs pryzd poseshun fownded?

A. N teh hol wif Ceilingcat
B. Bafroom
C. Wif hoomin
D. Soviet Russia

Q6. Hao duz teh nayratr feel?

A. 😦
B. :\
C. :@
D. Awl ov teh abov


Q7. Teh goggie has 4 sockses. A hoomin trys 2 taek a sockses. Hao manee sockses duz goggie hab?

A. 3
B. 2
C. 4 – Him warded off teh hoomin.
D. 1

Q8. Happycat receebs a cheezburger. Soon 3 frends sho up. Hao manee cheezburgerz duz Happycat need to shayr wif frends?

A. 3
B. 2 – one is a vegetamarian
C. 0 – He nommed teh cheezburger b4 dey arryvd

Which b teh korekt spalin ov teh wurd dat goez n teh sentns?

Q9. I can has ___________?
A. Cheeseburger
B. Cheezburgr
C. Chzbrgr
D. Eevur B or C

Q10. I miss mah ____________.

A. Bucket
B. Bukkit
C. Fish
D. Cellular

Q11. Whut fudz b tastee n nootrishus?

A. Butterz
B. Broklee
C. Brusl Sprowtz
D. Marjrin

Q12. I maded u a _____________

A. Toast
B. Cawfee
C. Cookie
D. Tea

Q13. Whut did ai do wif ur fing I maded?

A. Eated it 😦
B. Drunkd it 😦
C. Gayv it to goggie 😦
D. Nuffin yet 🙂

Q14. Hoo b wachin u?

A. Goggie
B. Lolrus
C. Ceilingcat
D. Happycat

Q15. Wich wuns ar teh poyzun?

A. Red
B. Blue
C. Green
D. Orange



January 17, 2008

Yes, it does snow on occasion here in the South. It’s snowing right now. Or it was. I think it’s sleeting or raining right now. It keeps switching from one thing to another. MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND!

If you live in the South, especially Georgia (where I live), you know how a single snowflake can cause mass mayhem all over. People think the world is coming to an end. Rivers turning to blood, the dead rising from the grave, human sacrifices, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria. You get the picture.

The following usually occurs right at the first thought of snow:

  1. Grocery stores will run out of bread, milk, eggs, toilet paper, and beer. Everyone believes that they can survive on these five items alone.
  2. All newscasters are expected to call it “The Storm Of The Century” and provide round-the-clock coverage of the snowstorm.
  3. This is the only time kids will be more interested in the news than their parents. They hope that the schools will be closed.
  4. People are expected to forget everything they learned about driving. They do this when it rains any way.
  5. When the newscasters discuss the snow, they must send one unlucky bastard out into the field to show that (A) it really is snowing, and (B) said snow is accumulating by scooping it off the ground, a nearby car, or some other object.
  6. The newscasters are also expected to report to the storage barns that the County or State D.O.T. store large amounts of salt and/or sand, which will be used to coat the roads so they can be more “passable”, and tear up your vehicle like hell at the same time.
  7. After the storm, the newscasters are expected to return to “the scene of the crime” and show the storm damage, if any, that has occurred overnight. It is also required that they show a truck from one of the utility companies (electric is most preferable), or County maintenance crews, removing any fallen trees or other debris from the storm.
  8. People are expected to call in during and after the storm to the TV and radio stations. There should be one guy, usually named “Zeke” or “Bubba”, from rural parts of the metro area of a major city like Atlanta or Birmingham, to call in and say, in these exact words, in his best Southern Redneck drawl, “I ain’t never seen nothin’ like it!”
  9. In the Downtown district of the major city, street vendors are expected to sell “I survived the Blizzard of (insert year here)” T-shirts for $10 to $20 a pop.


January 15, 2008

Hi!  Welcome to my blog!  Grab a nice cup of coffee, kick back, relax, and enjoy some good times.