Yes, it does snow on occasion here in the South. It’s snowing right now. Or it was. I think it’s sleeting or raining right now. It keeps switching from one thing to another. MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND!
If you live in the South, especially Georgia (where I live), you know how a single snowflake can cause mass mayhem all over. People think the world is coming to an end. Rivers turning to blood, the dead rising from the grave, human sacrifices, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria. You get the picture.
The following usually occurs right at the first thought of snow:
- Grocery stores will run out of bread, milk, eggs, toilet paper, and beer. Everyone believes that they can survive on these five items alone.
- All newscasters are expected to call it “The Storm Of The Century” and provide round-the-clock coverage of the snowstorm.
- This is the only time kids will be more interested in the news than their parents. They hope that the schools will be closed.
- People are expected to forget everything they learned about driving. They do this when it rains any way.
- When the newscasters discuss the snow, they must send one unlucky bastard out into the field to show that (A) it really is snowing, and (B) said snow is accumulating by scooping it off the ground, a nearby car, or some other object.
- The newscasters are also expected to report to the storage barns that the County or State D.O.T. store large amounts of salt and/or sand, which will be used to coat the roads so they can be more “passable”, and tear up your vehicle like hell at the same time.
- After the storm, the newscasters are expected to return to “the scene of the crime” and show the storm damage, if any, that has occurred overnight. It is also required that they show a truck from one of the utility companies (electric is most preferable), or County maintenance crews, removing any fallen trees or other debris from the storm.
- People are expected to call in during and after the storm to the TV and radio stations. There should be one guy, usually named “Zeke” or “Bubba”, from rural parts of the metro area of a major city like Atlanta or Birmingham, to call in and say, in these exact words, in his best Southern Redneck drawl, “I ain’t never seen nothin’ like it!”
- In the Downtown district of the major city, street vendors are expected to sell “I survived the Blizzard of (insert year here)” T-shirts for $10 to $20 a pop.