Archive for March, 2008

Yitteh Teh Kitteh

March 11, 2008

Now boys and girls, please gather up your pillows and blankets as we begin storytime before naptime:

funny pictures

Awn teh fur-awai ai-lan ov Sala-ma-Sond,
Yitteh teh Kitteh wuz keeng ov teh pawnd.
A nys lil pawnd. ait wuz kleen. ait wuz neet.
Teh waturz wuz warmly. Dere wuz plentee 2 nom.
Teh Kittehs can has ebbryfing Kittehs maht can has.
N dey wuz awl happee. Kwyt happee ndeed.
Dey wuz… ‘til Yitteh, teh keeng ov dem awl,
Dsydeded teh keengdum him rulzorzed wuz 2 smawl.
“I’s roolr”, sed Yitteh, “ov awl dat ai c.
But ai no c enough. Dat’s teh trubbl wif meh.
Wif dis ston 4 a throne, ai luk daon awn mah pawnd
But ai no can luk daon awn tHim playsis beeyawnd.
Dis throne dat ai sit awn b 2, 2 low daon.
It awt 2 b hyur!” him sed wif a fraon.
“If ai culd sit hi, hao much gr8ur ai b!
Wut a keeng! Ai b roolr ov awl dat ai c!”
N Yitteh, teh Kitteh Keeng, gib a komand.
Him ordrd 9 Kittehs 2 swim 2 hims stone
N, usin dese Kittehs, him bildeded a noo throne.
Him maded eech Kitteh stand awn anuvver wun’s bak
N him pyuhld dem awl up n a 9-Kitteh stak.
N den Yitteh klymd up. him sat daon awn the pyuhl.
Wut a wunnerful vyoo! him culd c ‘most a myl!
“Awl mine!” Yitteh cryded. “Oh, teh fings ai nao rool!
I’s teh keeng ov a cow! N ai’s teh keeng ov a mule!
I’s teh keeng ov a howse! N, wut’s moar, beeyawnd dat
I’s teh keeng ov a blooberee bush N a goggie!
I’s Yitteh teh Kitteh! Oh, marvulus meh!
4 ai b teh roolr ov awl dat ai c!”
N awl thru teh mornin, him sat up dere hi
Meowing ova N ova, “A gr8 keeng b ai!”
‘til ‘lawng abowt noon. Den him hurd a faynt sigh.
“Wut’s dat?” snapt teh keeng, N him luked daon teh stak.
N him saw, at teh botum, a Kitteh namd Mack.
Just a part ov hims throne. N dis pln lil Kitteh
Luked up N him sed, “Beg ur pardon, Keeng Yitteh.
Ai has payns n mah bak N mah sholdrs N nees.
Hao lawng must we stand heer, Ur Majistee, plzkthxbai?”
“SILENCE!” teh Keeng ov teh Kittehs hissd bak.
“I’s keeng, N ur onlee a Kitteh namd Mack.”
“U stay n ur playc wyl ai sit heer N rool.
I’s teh keeng ov a cow! N ai’s teh keeng ov a mule!
I’s teh keeng ov a howse! N a bush! N a goggie!
But dat nawt b awl. Ai’ll do betr den dat!
Mah throne shal b hyur!” hims royul voyc thundered,
“So pyuhl up moar Kittehs! ai can has ’bout 200?”
“Kittehs! Moar Kittehs!” him bellod N brayd.
N teh Kittehs ‘way daon n teh pawnd wuz afrayd.
Dey trembld. Dey shuk. But dey caym. Dey obeyd.
Frum awl ova teh pawnd, dey caym swimn bai duzns.
Hol famblees ov Kittehs, wif unkls N cuzns.
N awl ov dem stepd awn the hed ov poor Mack.
1 aftr anuvver, dey klymd up teh stak.
Den Yitteh teh Kitteh wuz purchd up so hi,
Him culd c 40 myls frum hims throne n teh sky!
“Hooray!” shaotd Yitteh. “I’s teh keeng ov teh trees!
I’s keeng ov teh birds! N ai’s keeng ov teh b’s!
I’s keeng ov teh butrflyz! Keeng ov teh air!
Ah, meh! Wut a throne! Wut a wunnerful chayr!
I’s Yitteh teh Kitteh! Oh, marvulus meh!
4 ai b teh roolr ov awl dat ai c!”
Den agin, frum below, n teh gr8 hevvee stak,
Caym a gron frum dat playn lil Kitteh namd Mack.
“Ur Majistee, plzkthxbai… ai no like 2 complayn,
But daon heer beelo, we is feelin gr8 payn.
I noes, up awn top u r cing gr8 syts,
But daon heer at teh botum we, 2, shud has ryts.
We Kittehs can’t stand it. Ar bonz wil awl crack!
Besydz, we can has foodz? We r the starvin!” grond Mack.
“U hush up ur mouf!” haoled teh mytee Keeng Yitteh.
“U’ve no ryt 2 talk 2 teh wurlds hyest Kitteh.
Ai rool frum teh clowds! Ova land! Ova C!
Dere’s nuffin, no, NUFFIN, dat’s hyur den meh!”
But, wyl him wuz shoutin, him saw wif surpryz
Dat teh moon ov teh ebbenin wuz startin 2 ryz
Up ova hims hed n teh darkenin skyz.
“Wut’s DAT?” snortd Yitteh. “Say, wut b dat fing
Dat dares 2 b hyur den Yitteh teh Keeng?
Ai shal not allao it! Ai’ll go hyur still!
Ai’ll build mah throne hyur! ai can N ai will!
Ai’ll cawl sum moar Kittehs. Ai’ll stak ‘em 2 heven!
Ai can has ’bout five thowzund, six hunnert N sebben!”
But, as Yitteh, teh Kitteh Keeng, liftd hims paw
N startd 2 ordr N giv teh comand,
Dat playn lil Kitteh b-lo n teh stak,
Dat playn lil Kitteh hooz naym wuz just Mack,
Dsydeded him’d takn enuff. N him can has.
N dat playn lil lad got a bit mad.
N dat playn lil Mack did a playn lil fing.
Him burpeded!
N hims burp shuk teh throne ov teh keeng!
N Yitteh teh Kitteh, teh keeng ov teh trees,
Teh keeng ov teh air N teh birds N teh bees,
Teh keeng ov a howse N a cow N a mule…
Well, dat wuz teh end ov teh Kitteh Keeng’s rool!
4 Yitteh, teh Keeng ov awl Sala-ma-Sond,
Fell off hims hy throne N fell Plunk! n teh pawnd!
N todai teh gr8 Yitteh, dat Marvulus him,
Is Keeng ov teh Mud. Dat ais awl him can c.
N teh Kittehs, ov course… awl teh Kittehs b free
As Kittehs N, maybe, awl kreechurz shuld be.

Teh moarul ov teh storee:  Kitteh stakin muchly betr n kyootr den turtlol stakin.

Advertisements

Piggeh Kittehs

March 11, 2008

Oh, look, a kitty in a pig costume.

128340259094218750disisembarasin.jpg

Kittehs
(To the tune of “Piggies” by The Beatles)

Has u seen teh littl kittehs
Crawln n teh durt?
N 4 all teh littl kittehs
Life iz getin wurs
Dey can has teh durt 2 play aroun n?

Has u seen teh bigr kittehs
N ther starchd wite shurts?
U wil find teh bigr kittehs
Stirin up teh dirt
Dey can has teh cleen shurts 2 play aroun n?

N their boxes wit all their littr
Dey dont care wat goez on aroun
N their lives dey alwayz purrgle
Dey can has dam gud snorgle?

Evrywere dere’s lots o’ kittehs
Livin kitteh lives
U can see dem owt for din-din
Wit dere kitteh wivez
Dey no needz forkz or knivez to nom dere
cheezburgerz

 

Kitteh Layn

March 11, 2008

From I Can Has Cheezburger:

Humorous Pictures

What inspired me to write the song parody was the roundabout on the car mat.

N Kitteh Layn dere b a barburs fotos…let him sho u dem
Ov ebbry hed he can has teh pleshur 2 noes.
N awl teh hoomins dat come n goes
Stop n sai o hai.

Awn teh kornur b a bayncur wif a moturcar,
Teh lil kittehs lol at him behynd hims bak.
N teh bayncur nebber warez a mac
N teh porin rayn, very straynj.

Kitteh Layn b n mah eers n n mah I’z.
Dere beeneef teh bloo supurrbun skyz
Ai sit, n meenwyl bak

N Kitteh Layn dere b a fyrhoomin wif an owrglas
N n hims pokkit b a pikchur of teh Queen.
Him lyks 2 keep hims fyr enjun kleen,
It b a kleen masheen.

Kitteh Layn b n mah eers n n mah I’z.
A 4 ov fish n feengur pyz
N summr, meenwyl bak

Bhynd teh sheltr n teh middle ov teh rown…roun…cirklee fing
Teh prettee noors b sellin popeez frum a trai
N tho her feelz as if her in a plai
Her is newayz.

In Kitteh Layn teh barbur shayvz anuvver customr,
Wii c teh bayncur sittin waytin 4 a trim.
N den teh fyrhoomin rushes n
Frum teh pouring rayn, very straynj.

Kitteh Layn b n mah eers n n mah I’z.
Dere beeneef teh bloo supurrbun skyz
Ai sit, n meenwyl bak
Kitteh Layn b n mah eers n n mah I’z.
Dere beeneef teh bloo supurrbun skyz,
Kitteh Layn.

Happynez iz…

March 11, 2008

From I Can Has Cheezburger:

funny pictures

There are two songs I could do here. The first one I came up with is a parody of “Happiness is…” from the musical “You’re A Good Man Charlie Brown”:

Happynez iz fyndeeng a pensul.
piiza wif sawsuj
tellin teh tym.
Happynez iz lurnin 2 wissul.
tyeeng ur shoo 4 teh veree furstee tym.

Happynez iz plaieeng teh drum n ur own skool band.
N Happynez iz walkin han n han.
Happynez iz 2 kinds ov ais creem.
noesing a sekrit.
klymin a trii.
Happynez iz 5 difrunt cra-onz.
getting a fyrfli.
setin him frii.

Happynez iz bein aloan ebbry nao n den.
N Happynez iz comin hoam agin.
Happynez iz moarnin n eebnin,
dai tym n nyte tyme 2.
4 Happynez iz neone n nefing at awl
dat’s lurved bai u.

Happynez iz hasing a sistr.
shayrin a cheezburgr.
gettin alawng.
Happynez iz seengin togevvur wen dai is froo,
N Happynez iz doze hoo seeng wif u.
Happynez iz moarnin n eebnin,
dai tym n nyte tyme 2.
4 Happynez iz neone n nefing at awl
dat’s lurved bai u.

The next one, which a lot of cheezfrendz seem to believe the picture is a reference to, is the Beatles’ song “Happiness Is A Warm Gun”:

Her nawt a gurl hoo misses much
Do do do do do do
oh, yeh
Her well akwayntud wif
teh tuch ov teh velvet paw
Lyk a lizurd awn a windo payn
Teh hoomin n teh crowd wif teh
multycolord mirrur awn hims hobnayl boots
Lyin wif hims aiz wyl hims
hands r bizzee wurkin ovrtym
A soap mpreshun ov hims wyf wich
him nom-nom-nommed n donaytd 2 teh Nashunul Trust

Ai can haz fix coz ai goin daon?
Daon 2 teh bits dat ai left uptaon
Ai can haz fix coz ai goin daon?
Mommy Soopurreeur jump teh butt
Mommy Soopurreeur jump teh butt
Mommy Soopurreeur jump teh butt
Mommy Soopurreeur jump teh butt
Mommy Soopurreeur jump teh butt
Mommy Soopurreeur jump teh butt

Happynez iz a warm butt
(scratch, scratch, purr, purr)
Happynez iz a warm butt mama
(scratch, scratch, purr, purr)
Wen ai snorgle u n mah arms
n ai feel mai feengur awn ur butt
Ai noes nobodee can do meh no harm
Becoz Happynez iz a warm butt mama
Happynez iz a warm butt, yes it is
Happynez iz a warm, yes it is, butt
Ah, don’t you know that
Happynez iz a warm butt mama

Fluffy Reporting Live From Downtown Philly

March 11, 2008
From I Can Has Cheezburger:funny picturesto the tune of “Dirty Laundry” by Don Henley Ai maded mah livin off teh ebbenin nooz
I can has sumting, sumting I cans yooz?
Hoomins lurvz it win u looz, thems lurvz dirtee lawndrees

Wel ai culda bin a aktr, but ai wownd up heer
Ai jus has 2 luk gud, ai no has 2 b cleer
Come n wispr n mah eer, we can has dirtee lawndrees?

Kik em win dere up, Kik em win dere daon
Kik em win dere up, Kik em win dere daon
Kik em win dere up, Kik em win dere daon
Kik em win dere up, Kik em al arown

We has a bubblhededed bleech-blond, comes on at 5
Her can tells u abowt teh playn crash wif a gleem n hers i
Its intristin win peeplz dy, we can has dirtee lawndrees?

We can has film ov teh operashun? Is teh hed ded yet?
U noes teh boyz n teh noozroom has a runnin bet
Git teh widow on teh set, we needz dirtee lawndrees

U no need 2 find owt wat’s goin on
U no wants 2 noes just hao far its gawn
Jus leev well enuff alonz, u can has ur dirtee lawndrees

Kik em win dere up, Kik em win dere daon
Kik em win dere up, Kik em win dere daon
Kik em win dere up, Kik em win dere daon
Kik em win dere stiff, Kik em all arown

Dirtee little seekrits, dirtee lil lyz
We has ar dirtee lil fingrz n ebbrybodee’s pie
Lurvz 2 cut u daon 2 syz, we lurvz dirtee lawndrees

We can do teh inyoondo, we can dans n seeng
Win its sed n dun, we no told u a fing
We al noes dat crap is teh king, gib us dirtee lawndrees

Kik em win dere up, Kik em win dere daon
Kik em win dere up, Kik em win dere daon
Kik em win dere up, Kik em win dere daon
Kik em win dere stiff, Kik em al arown

In Ur Mordor…Steelin Ur Reengz

March 11, 2008

From ICanHasCheezburger comes this:

Humorous Pictures

(With sincerest apologies to Led Zeppelin):

Leebz r fawlin awl arown,
It b tym ai wuz awn mai wai.
Kthxbai 2 u, ai b much oblyjd
4 such a plehzunt stai.
But nao it b tym 4 meh 2 go,
Teh awtum moon lyts mai wai.
4 nao ai smelz teh rayn,
N wif it payn,
N it b heded mai wai.
Ah, sometyms ai gro so tyrd,
But ai noes ai gots wun fing ai got 2 do,

Rambl Awn,
N nao b teh tym, teh tym b nao
2 meow mai sawng.
Ai b goin rownd teh wurld,
Ai can has mah gurlkitteh? Awn mai wai.
Ai bin dis wai ten yeers 2 teh dai, Rambl Awn,
Gotta fynd teh kween ob awl mai dreemz.

Got no tym 2 4 spreadin’ roots,
Teh tym haz com 2 be gawn.
N tho’ ar helth wii drunked a fouzund tyms,
It b tym 2 Rambl Awn.

Rambl Awn,
N nao b teh tym, teh tym b nao
2 meow mai sawng.
Ai b goin rownd teh wurld,
Ai can has mah gurlkitteh? Awn mai wai.
Ai bin dis wai ten yeers 2 teh dai, Rambl Awn,
Gotta fynd teh kween ob awl mai dreemz.

Ai no tellins teh lyz.
Mynz a tayl dat cant b told,
Mai friidum ai holdz deer;
Hao yeerz ago n daiz ov old
Wen majik filld teh air,
Twuz n teh darkest deps ov Mordor
Ai met a gurlkitteh so fayr,
But Gollum, n teh ebil wun krept up
N slipd awai wif her.
Her, her….yea.
Aint nuffin ai can do, no.

Rambl Awn,
N nao b teh tym, teh tym b nao
2 meow mai sawng.
Ai b goin rownd teh wurld,
Ai can has mah gurlkitteh? Awn mai wai.
Ai bin dis wai ten yeers 2 teh dai, Rambl Awn,
Gotta fynd teh kween ob awl mai dreemz.

Gonna rambl awn, meow mai sawng
Gotta keep-a-surchin’ 4 mai babeh…
Gonna wurk mai wai, rownd teh wurld
Ai cant stawp dis feelin’ n mai hart
Gotta keep searchin’ 4 mai babeh
Ai cant fynd mai blue bukkit!
Ai lisen 2 mai blue bukkit seeng but ai cant fynd mai blue bukkit
A-keep-a ramblin’ babeh…

Ah(choo), Spring…

March 3, 2008

Spring (ah-choo) is right around the corner (sniff), and you know what that means.

 “New flowers?”

No.

“Robins and bluebirds returning home?”

No.

“Spring Break?”

No.

“Then what?”

When all the plants decide to have a major orgyfest and dispense their seed all over the world, resulting in (ahh…ahh…ahhh…) hmm…seems to be holding down for now (CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!) pollen.

The pollen is more deadly than any chemical a bioterrorist would think to release into the atmosphere or our water supply.  If you live in the South, you know what I’m talking about.  Our pollen counts are higher than the national deficit.  Pine, grass, pine, oak, pine, dogwood, and pine seem to be the main culprits.

Car washes expect to profit high from this.  It doesn’t matter that we’ve been in a drought lately.  From the looks of things, I’d say we’re slowly pulling out of the drought.  The pollen will turn everything outside a yellowish green.  If you’re wearing a yellowish-green shirt, it will become more yellowish-green.  If you’re wearing a red shirt, it will become yellow-green.  Your blue jeans will turn into green jeans.  Then you can audition for a part on the “Captain Kangaroo” show.

When they wrote the song “Follow the Yellow-Brick Road” they had the South in early Springtime on their mind.  Bernie Taupin must have recently visited the South during the Spring when he wrote the song “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road” for Elton John.  He must have watched the rain wash it all away.  If he had stayed an extra day or two, it would have come back.

As far as the birds and the bees are concerned, they help spread the pollen.  They make it worse.  I saw three robins hopping around on the grass outside my office window on Friday, February 29.  It’s too early.  Spring will be here very soon.

 Spring and its association with birds always calls up a rather dark melody by one Tom Lehrer in my mind.

Apparently the rat lied.