Posts Tagged ‘Georgia’

Ah(choo), Spring…

March 3, 2008

Spring (ah-choo) is right around the corner (sniff), and you know what that means.

 “New flowers?”

No.

“Robins and bluebirds returning home?”

No.

“Spring Break?”

No.

“Then what?”

When all the plants decide to have a major orgyfest and dispense their seed all over the world, resulting in (ahh…ahh…ahhh…) hmm…seems to be holding down for now (CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!) pollen.

The pollen is more deadly than any chemical a bioterrorist would think to release into the atmosphere or our water supply.  If you live in the South, you know what I’m talking about.  Our pollen counts are higher than the national deficit.  Pine, grass, pine, oak, pine, dogwood, and pine seem to be the main culprits.

Car washes expect to profit high from this.  It doesn’t matter that we’ve been in a drought lately.  From the looks of things, I’d say we’re slowly pulling out of the drought.  The pollen will turn everything outside a yellowish green.  If you’re wearing a yellowish-green shirt, it will become more yellowish-green.  If you’re wearing a red shirt, it will become yellow-green.  Your blue jeans will turn into green jeans.  Then you can audition for a part on the “Captain Kangaroo” show.

When they wrote the song “Follow the Yellow-Brick Road” they had the South in early Springtime on their mind.  Bernie Taupin must have recently visited the South during the Spring when he wrote the song “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road” for Elton John.  He must have watched the rain wash it all away.  If he had stayed an extra day or two, it would have come back.

As far as the birds and the bees are concerned, they help spread the pollen.  They make it worse.  I saw three robins hopping around on the grass outside my office window on Friday, February 29.  It’s too early.  Spring will be here very soon.

 Spring and its association with birds always calls up a rather dark melody by one Tom Lehrer in my mind.

Apparently the rat lied.

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Snow???

January 17, 2008

Yes, it does snow on occasion here in the South. It’s snowing right now. Or it was. I think it’s sleeting or raining right now. It keeps switching from one thing to another. MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND!

If you live in the South, especially Georgia (where I live), you know how a single snowflake can cause mass mayhem all over. People think the world is coming to an end. Rivers turning to blood, the dead rising from the grave, human sacrifices, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria. You get the picture.

The following usually occurs right at the first thought of snow:

  1. Grocery stores will run out of bread, milk, eggs, toilet paper, and beer. Everyone believes that they can survive on these five items alone.
  2. All newscasters are expected to call it “The Storm Of The Century” and provide round-the-clock coverage of the snowstorm.
  3. This is the only time kids will be more interested in the news than their parents. They hope that the schools will be closed.
  4. People are expected to forget everything they learned about driving. They do this when it rains any way.
  5. When the newscasters discuss the snow, they must send one unlucky bastard out into the field to show that (A) it really is snowing, and (B) said snow is accumulating by scooping it off the ground, a nearby car, or some other object.
  6. The newscasters are also expected to report to the storage barns that the County or State D.O.T. store large amounts of salt and/or sand, which will be used to coat the roads so they can be more “passable”, and tear up your vehicle like hell at the same time.
  7. After the storm, the newscasters are expected to return to “the scene of the crime” and show the storm damage, if any, that has occurred overnight. It is also required that they show a truck from one of the utility companies (electric is most preferable), or County maintenance crews, removing any fallen trees or other debris from the storm.
  8. People are expected to call in during and after the storm to the TV and radio stations. There should be one guy, usually named “Zeke” or “Bubba”, from rural parts of the metro area of a major city like Atlanta or Birmingham, to call in and say, in these exact words, in his best Southern Redneck drawl, “I ain’t never seen nothin’ like it!”
  9. In the Downtown district of the major city, street vendors are expected to sell “I survived the Blizzard of (insert year here)” T-shirts for $10 to $20 a pop.